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20120928
20121006
Search Results 0 to 17 of about 18 (some duplicates have been removed)
a high-speed popemobile chase. (laughter) pastor jim garlow, one of the leaders behind freedom sunday says it's all about principle. >> we believe there should be no governmental intrusion in the pulpit at all. a pastor should be-- if he wants to endorse or a oppose a candidate. and that should be the right of the pastor based upon the first amendment. freedom of speech and freedom of religion. no governmental intrusion into the pulpit. >> i don't need the government protecting me from speech, i am a mature free-thinking american capable of making my own rational decisions about which candidate my priest said got wants know pick. (laughter) and, folks, it should not stop there, i want my religious leaders to weigh in on everything. judicial races, school board elections, bond issues, the ballot initiative creating a dedicated traffic signal in the left turn lane in front of the arby's because lo having to go all the way down to maple, make a right and then take that round about just to get back to the drive through doth make the angels weep. i mean, can i get an amen? (audience reacts
! (laughter) and my guest, author jim holt, has written a book on why the world exists. well, when two planets love each other very much they share a special hug. (laughter) the university of tennessee frat members were caught butt-chugging wine. (laughter) that sounds like some drunk ass (bleep). (laughter) this is "the colbert report." (cheers and applause) captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome to the "report." it's good to have you with us! thank you, ladies and gentlemen. (cheers and applause) (audience chanting "stephen") (cheers and applause) >> stephen: folks, thank you so much for joining us. good to have you with us. folks, it is almost midnight on i don't mean yom kippur, the jewish day of atonement, filled with somer reflection and profound regret-- that i had to give my writers the day off. (laughter) come back, fellas, god forgives you. (laughter) (whispering) but i never will. i'd also like to toast my jewish viewers who are breaking fast tonight. to life! or, as your people say, aloha! (laughter) to the rest of
of my viewers out there, i'm afraid i have some tragic news. jim? >> the financial times reports drought conditions here in the u.s. say that it's destroyed crops used to feed pigs. the pig association says it became too expensive for farmers to buy pig feed so they reduced their herds. the national pig association is reporting of an "unavoidable global bacon shortage." >> stephen: a global bacon shortage! we're all going to die! much later than we thought thanks to the reduced salt and nitrates in our diet. (applause) still, we will all eventually die-- and without bacon in my mouth. (laughter) this is unthinkable! without bacon what will k.f.c. put between the two slices of chicken in the double down? roast beef? that's unnatural! you go to hell. (laughter) well, i for one am going to be ready for the coming a-pork-alypse. (laughter) i am presently building an underground shelter and stocking it with all the salted hog meat i can find. bacon, pancetta, proscuitto, hamhocks, canned ham, john hamm. (laughter) oh-- he looks salty. (laughter) nation, they say that this bacon shortage is ca
else who got in mitt away. >> i'm sorry, jim, i'm going to stop the subsidy to pbs. i will stop other things. i like pbs. i like big bird, i actually like you too. but i'm not going to keep on spending money for things to borrow from china to pay for it. >> stephen: he just told the moderator who works at pbs, i'm going to throw your ass out on the street, old man! you-- (cheers and applause) you, not only you-- but all those freeloading muppets. that takes not just one ball, but two, two enormous balls! (applause) but, folks, as much as i enjoyed the triumph of the willard, what i loved most was the heartwarming pant crapping over at msnbc. >> i was disappointed in the president. i thought he was off his game. i was absolutely stunned tonight. >> there wasn't, i don't think, a single direct attack against mr. romney from president obama. no discussion of the 47%. >> at all. >> no discussion of immigration. no discussion of union rights. no discussion of women's rights, no discussion of bain. >> where was obama tonight? >> stephen: oh, break out the sour cream and bacon bits, nation,
it was actually good that i'd stayed home. jim: the first thing on the agenda -- building operations. the memo is spinning, i'm gonna set it down for a second. excuse me. why are you wearing garcia's shirt? raineesha: hoo-hoo! [ laughing ] ooh! oh, what did you do? what do you think we did? clemmy took a little moustache ride this morning. jim: oh... ohh! did you see that? i'll do it again. i'll do it again, see? go change shirts. stop kissing and go change shirts. what just happened there? somebody, you dropped a pot or something! a nice, potted plant fell down here. woman: you're going to have to drag me out of here, you [bleep] cops!
neutral, chris. but for some reason wallace wouldn't take no answer for an answer. (laughter) jim? >> well, it's not revenue neutral unless you take away the deduction. >> let me just -- >> you haven't given me the math. >> well, i don't have-- it would take me too long to go through all of the math. >> stephen: great answer. (laughter) why-- (cheers and applause) great answer why is it a great answer? well, it would take me too long to explain but trust me t was a great answer. (laughter) besides the american people don't want to hear math. that's why ryan seacrest's top 40 countdown didn't catch on until they added songs. (laughter) now obviously the math behind how romney can give everyone a 20% tax cut without bankrupting the government is just way too advanced for us regular folks to understand. it's unfathommably complex like string theory. you would have to grasp that the universe is actually 11 coexisted dimensions. eight of which are where romney shelters his wealth. (laughter) just trust him, just trust him. (applause) the middle class is broken down by the side of the road and p
happened in denver. now, i haven't seen it yet so don't tell me what happens. if anything happens. jim. >> the buying question is do these debates really matter? >> i actually think that is the american people see the first two candidates and really start to make their mind up. >> if the debates happen really late in the cycle and by this time most americans have made up their mind. >> i think the debates don't matter much. >> they matter and they have matter add great deal, some years a they have not mattered t all. >> colbert: so, we pundits don't know whether debates matter but we do know whether debate over whether debates matter, matter. >> bottom line, bottom line, these meaningless, useless debates are crucial. especially for the romney campaign. >> the romney campaign looks at this as very, very important tonight, they recognize this is the biggest opportunity for him to introduce himself to the country. they don't know hillary. this is the time for him to introduce himself. people don't know mitt romney. and we live in a very distracted age where everybody has ipads, ipods, b
Search Results 0 to 17 of about 18 (some duplicates have been removed)